i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
