i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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