I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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