You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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