Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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