I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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