I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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