once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
