...so i touched it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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