I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just forgot I was standing up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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