my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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