.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
