Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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