after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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