You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
