It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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