Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
