Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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