My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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