Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
