Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
