the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
