I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
