I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
