Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
