Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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