you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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