I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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