I look better un-naked...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
