You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
