positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
