I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
smell my finger.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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