You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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