I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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