yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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