i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
