On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
