She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
