Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
