SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
