My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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