peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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