Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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