Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
