I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Who died my cat blue again?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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