he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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