I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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