i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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