just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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