I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
