it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
