My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and she was petting her beer can
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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