Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize