end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
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