Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
