Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
