Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
