The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
