I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
