tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
