And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
