I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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