The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
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