I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
