In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
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