He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
